There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
