oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The feeling are messing with the penis
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
