I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
