Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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