He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
