Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
