He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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