it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
