I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
