apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
