My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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