fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
time to smoke my breakfast
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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