Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
