textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
