No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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