I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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