currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
