just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
