How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
