she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
