if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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