take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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