I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
