Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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