He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
