So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
