I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
