My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
