I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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