I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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