Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
