I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
