watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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