Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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