Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
