tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
