there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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