Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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