Betty ford says i'm here all night
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
