we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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