I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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