i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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