i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
