I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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