this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
