You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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