i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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