oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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