I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
