I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
