do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
