I just cut my nipple shaving
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
