the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
